The Layout
So you've signed up for Myspace, and you're ready to create your profile. The first thing you need to do is find a layout. Neon colors and tacky animation are a must. After all, how can you get friends staring at your page in awe if you don't have a sparkling cursor trail that flashes at a rate of 15 frames a second? Cover your profile with as many pictures and Youtube videos as possible so that anyone who comes to your Myspace has to spend 10 minutes scrolling before they get to your friends list. The more peoples' computers you can freeze with your layout, the better.
The Profile
Once you've added your layout from www.rainbowseizure.com you can start adding information to your profile. Your age should either be 100 or any other age as long as it's not how old you actually are. When filling in your favorite music, add a list of 432 bands that no one's ever heard of in their lives. If you can't think of enough, make up your own band names. Under Movies & TV, add yet another long list of movies and TV shows. In your "About Me" section, tell other Myspace users where you live (make sure you lie about what country you live in) and a bunch of facts about you, like how your dog threw up on your favorite banana scented socks this morning at exactly 6:28 am.
The Pictures
Pictures are a necessity on Myspace. How are you going to get that hot 18 year old (who's really a 65 year old obese woman who kidnaps kids and hides them in her closet) into your Top 8 if you don't have any good pics? Once you have a camera, enter the nearest bathroom and prepare yourself for several hours of picture taking. Position yourself in front of the mirror, with the camera either facing the mirror or at a precise 70 degree angle to your head. Make sure when you take your pictures, the camera and flash completely block your face so no one can tell who the hell you are. Also make sure that your toothbrush, toothpaste, shower, and Nose Hair Remover Kit are in full view. If you plan on taking any pictures with your face showing, stop immediately and get a choppy haircut that covers your eyes.
The Picture Comments
Once you're done taking your million and a half pictures, post them on Myspace and sit there refreshing the comments page until you finally get a reply. Childpredat0r666 comments and insists on seeing some cleavage, so you go back to the bathroom and take some new nude pictures for your new friend.
The Friends List
If you want to be cool on Myspace, you have to have more friends than anyone else. Only 1,000 friends is simply not acceptable. Go around to other Myspaces adding every unknown band and porn star that you can. Once you're done doing that, add the entire population of California. You might be tired of adding friends by now, but you can't give up until you've reached at least 10,000. You don't want to be a social reject online, do you? Once your friends list is finally complete, delete that Tom loser from the list and start thinking about your top 8. You can't decide on only 8 people, so you decide to add some more people to your top friends like the man who drives the ice cream truck around your neighborhood and Katie from Alaska who you've never seen in your life.
The Comments
So now you have all your friends, and all you have to do is wait for a comment. ViagraSale103 comments you 5 times in a row and sends you 16 bulletins in 5 minutes. You make a lot of new friends and give them all your address and phone number. Congratulations, you've just become one of the many Myspace addicts who sits at the computer 23 hours a day waiting for a comment! :)